Relationships: Extreme Makeover

How God Renewed Our Marriage
Against All the Odds
Written by e-Mom. Follow me on Twitter. Subscribe in a Reader

God works in mysterious ways. I found His Needs Her Needs without really looking for it—the result of one of those synchronous events I was becoming alert to. Some people would call it a "God Thing."

On the surface, I was doing what I always did on Fridays: filling up my shopping cart with groceries. Pushing my way through our local Costco warehouse store, I carefully worked down my shopping list, trying very hard to maximize the few dollars we had budgeted to feed our household of five.

At the same time, I was aware that my spirit was ultra-sensitive that day, perhaps awakened by the worship music I’d been listening to in the car. At the back of my mind, behind my careful mental calculations, a wordless question kept its vigil: "How can I find happiness in my marriage?"

It was the early nineties. My husband of fifteen years was incommunicative, tense, and distant. That fall, his computer hardware business had failed. Low cost PCs were beginning to flood the market, and e-Dad’s clients were no longer interested in purchasing his larger, more expensive machines. In the ensuing months, e-Dad was unable to find comparable employment, and our marriage was really suffering.

I knew that we were weakened as a couple, even before our business floundered. Running a small enterprise in our home had its own unique stresses. The phone was constantly ringing in the kitchen, and the fax machine on the counter ground out reams of paper in the midst of my cooking. At times—I’ll admit—I really wished e-Dad would get out of the house and find a "real job" away from the "nest" I was trying to feather. He had tried, but he couldn't find a "real job" in the down economy.

My husband’s income slowed to a trickle and the bills kept mounting. While raising our children, I was also doing my best to bring in part-time income where I could. We took in a student boarder, and drawing on my Fine Arts background, I started a neighborhood Arts & Crafts program in our basement.
e-Dad handled the massive juggling act of keeping our major bills paid, and my earnings paid the food bill and bought all of our clothing (which I purchased on sale days in thrift stores).

Many days I felt alone, exhausted, and terrified. While I juggled the demands of the children, the housework, and my part-time jobs, e-Dad worked until after midnight every week night and usually all weekend too. He was unable to do much to help around the house, and romance and intimacy were nearly non-existent. Most of the time, e-Dad was worn out and he couldn’t bear to hear me express my feelings of desperation. He was simply too exhausted.

What had happened to all our dreams? Where had my super-social Psych-major college sweetheart and best friend gone? After fifteen years of marriage, how had we ended up so estranged from each other?

It was against this backdrop then, that I found myself pulled in the direction of the book display that memorable Friday in Costco. Suddenly, I became aware of the wordless question keeping vigil in my unconscious mind. "How can I find happiness in my marriage?"

Almost simultaneously, my eyes fell upon a copy of His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley, Ph.D. Later, as I devoured the book in the warehouse parking lot, I was awed by the simplicity, yet profundity of Dr. Harley’s insights. "How could I have missed this?" I wondered. Men and women are supposed to be different! I still marvel at the mystery and blessing that gave me the book that day—it was a Divine gift of Love.

We are supposed to be different. Our psychologies are different because wives need their husbands to solve problems rationally in times of crisis. I soon began to understand that my husband’s non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ) was only temporary. I realized that his over-preoccupation with work was a good thing, and I began to thank him for working so hard.

The second thing I began to grasp was that e-Dad truly did want my happiness. He was expressing his love—not with tender words or bouquets of flowers—but by faithfully trying to earn a living. I also learned the wisdom of asking directly the small things. Instead of hoping e-Dad would offer his love and affection, I learned to politely "cue" him.

For instance, we live in the coffee capital of the country, and I truly love my java (French Roast, thanks). Often, when he went out to meetings, I asked e-Dad buy me a "single short extra-foamy cafe latte" on the way home—which he was always delighted to do. When he came through the door with a hot fragrant cup, I learned to thank him profusely for his thoughtfulness.

Now, whenever our relationship seems tense, I ask him nicely to please-go-get-me-a-latte. e-Dad always feels like a hero, and the smile on my face really warms up the atmosphere between us.

Another very important thing that I learned during that period is that it was hard for e-Dad to sympathize with my complaints because it made him feel like he was failing me. I had no idea he took so much responsibility for my happiness! This also explained why he instinctively offered his advice or tried to solve my problems, when all I really wanted was to explore my feelings. Rather than being hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t listen to me "vent," I learned to appreciate that he feels personally responsible when I am hurting.

(Now after a few years of practice, e-Dad does a terrific job of listening quietly. He's learned how to give me the sympathy and understanding that every woman craves in times of stress.)

Shortly after e-Dad found a new job, we went hiking in the dense rain forests of the Pacific Northwest (USA) near our home. After reflecting on what we were learning about each other and how encouraged we felt,
e-Dad bent down and drew a line across the dirt trail in front of us. "Let’s commit to a new beginning," he said. "Let’s leave our old marriage behind and leap forward into a brighter, better future." So we linked arms and jumped over that dirt line together.

As time went on, our financial situation improved. Eventually it returned to normal. But our relationship never did return to its pre-crisis state. We learned so many key lessons during that period, that we were catapulted to a vastly superior level of marital happiness. Needless to say, I’m thankful we not only stayed together, but grew stronger through the hardest, most challenging period of our 31-year marriage. (Our anniversary is this month!)

e-Dad and I experienced an extreme makeover. We’re so thankful God renewed our marriage against all the odds.

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Related

1. Help! I Married an Entrepreneur (Part 1)

2. Help! I Married an Entrepreneur (Part 2)

Photos: (1) bsimser (2) joshbousel (4) logicalrealist (Flickr); (3 & 5) e-Mom & e-Dad

Up Next—Word-Filled-Wednesday



When was the most challenging period of your marriage?