Relationships: Preparing Girls For Marriage

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." (Gen 2:20-23 NIV)

Three Things My Daughter Must Know About

Her Marital Needs

Our society teaches women that males look for physical attractiveness, regular sexual activity, and ego-stroking from their mate. In his best-selling book His Needs Her Needs, Christian marriage counselor Dr. Willard Harley also includes domestic support and recreational companionship as vital to men’s marital fulfillment. It’s easy to see that with the exception of ego-fulfillment, a man’s primary needs in marriage are physical. Once a man’s physical needs for a helpmate are met, his interest in the soul-binding side of marriage—including romance—greatly increases.

Generally less understood are the essential qualities women need from their husbands. Divorce is rampant in both Christian and non-Christian marriages and a high percentage of those divorces are initiated by women. But why? With one exception (finances) every woman’s primary marital needs are relational. Every women wants her spouse to be her "best friend" or soulmate.

In His Needs Her Needs, Dr. Harley outlines the five essential qualities that a wife will find irresistible in her mate. They include intimate communication, affection/romance, honesty & openness, active parenting, and financial support. Once these five needs are met, a woman’s desire for the physical side of marriage—including sex—greatly increases.

A Happy Wife Equals A Happy Marriage

When a wife understands her relational needs in marriage, and communicates them assertively but respectfully to her husband, every couple stands a greater chance of achieving overall marital happiness. Generally, where there’s a happy woman, you'll usually find a happy man too. After nearly thirty years of marriage, we've discovered that the old adage is really true, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't noooody happy."

"The key to marital happiness is for husbands to meet their wives' most important emotional needs... This is trickier said than done because 'it's easier for a woman to make a man happy than for a man to make a woman happy'... So what I spend most of my time doing is training men how to make women happy... If you want a woman to be in love with you, [meeting her top five emotional needs] are the things you have to be trained to do and do well, and she will follow you to the ends of the earth."—Dr. Willard Harley

Based on Dr. Harley’s counseling materials found in his books and extensive website, here are the top three marital essentials I imparted to our daughter during her teen years.

1. She needs her man’s empathetic listening ear.

Socio-linguist Deborah Tannen makes a humorous but telling statement in You Just Don’t Understand: Men And Women In Conversation. Tannen says that the part of the male anatomy that females desire the most is not below his waist. Rather, says Tannen, what females seek most from men is actually above his neck: it's a "giant ear!"

I’ve instructed my daughter to teach her fiancé that their daily time together must include his patient attention as she tells the story of her day, and especially how she felt about it. And then she must remember to thank him for listening.

2. She may need to jumpstart romance by
asking for it.

When my husband comes through the door with a single orange tiger lily, or jots a poem on a post-it note and tacks it to the bathroom mirror, I giggle like a school girl. But what do I do when my mate is stressed out and he's about as romantic as a doorknob?

I’ve taught my daughter to A.S.K. her man to get tickets to a specific movie, or to leave out empty flower vases. I’ve pointed out that men aren’t mind-readers and they frequently need a little help in knowing how to please us. I’ve also instructed my daughter to say "thank you" every time her fiancé does something right. Regular positive reinforcement works wonders!

3. She needs her mate’s regular, steady income.

It’s OK, and even desirable for a wife to be financially dependent on her spouse. So does a woman really marry a man for his money? Dr. Harley says "Yes!" and believe it or not, most men like it that way. One of the major ways a man finds fulfillment in marriage is by protecting and providing for his wife and children. It’s a major ego-boost when a man can take credit for his family’s well-being. When a wife has her own full or part-time income, she must be careful to credit her husband for her happiness in other ways.

I’ve taught my daughter to applaud and thank her fiancé for his hours at work, instead of complaining. A grateful wife attracts her husband with her praise, instead of repelling him with her unhappiness. Any woman can express her pressing need for time together by softly saying, "I miss you" instead of shouting, "You’re never home!" A husband who feels appreciated and respected for his efforts to earn a living is more inclined to spend time with his wife, plus he’s likely to more successful at his job.

More is here: "Manage Your Money: Finances For Young Christian Wives."

Related:

• Discover more on this topic in my previous article, "What Married Women Want." Based on extensive university research, the findings may surprise you.

• A similar article, "What Wives Want" at happiestwives.org covers this topic in greater detail. "...Contrary to popular ideas, wives' happiness is not tied to having 'equal' paychecks or having husbands do equal amounts of housework... Marriage, now more than ever, is about meaningful conversation, empathy, affection and spending leisure time together."

• "Secrets of Raising Girls: What Not to Do—From Those Who Know" might interest you as well.



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Welcome to Marriage Monday

If you’re new here today, welcome to Chrysalis. Please make yourself at home. Let me introduce myself. My name is e-Mom [hello]. We live in the Pacific Northwest (USA), I enjoy short, no whip, extra-foamy gingerbread lattes, and books are my passion—after Jesus Christ of course.

Today’s Topic

Marriage Monday meets here the first Monday of every month. By popular vote, our topic today is, "Three Things My Daughter Must Know About Her Marital Needs." Write your heart out and then link up here at Chrysalis. (Scroll down for Mister Linky.) Please leave your PERMALINK here by Friday Jan. 11, 2008.

FYI, if you're a married woman, I imagine you're becoming an expert on marriage from a wife's perspective. You definitely don't need to be the mother of a daughter to contribute your thoughts on this topic.

Never participated before? Don’t be shy! Please jump in.

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You're invited to join the Marriage Monday blogroll. If you would like to be part of a growing community of married Christian women, please follow the easy steps posted here.

Vote For Next Month's Topic

Imagine that! Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Please take a minute to vote for next month's topic in the poll in my sidebar. We'll meet here again for Marriage Monday on February 4, 2008.

Past Topics

1. Intimate Issues For Christian Women

2. Submission is a Decision NOT a Dirty Word

3. What Makes a Marriage Christian?


Photo Credits: heatherlazar, Rob, sgs_1019, distinguish (Flickr)

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